“There was no distinct sexual preference in my younger years” I thought. Even now, I remember how eager I was to discover what’s under Sailormoon’s mini skirt. I was able to blend in well to the girls crowd, be it teng teng, rope skipping or batu seremban. Above all else, the girls got close to me thanks to my academic achievement. Teachers relented in me as a sign of recognition? I guess the boys picked on me for that same reason.
Trust me, the issue was not complicated. Not till the unhappy mum decided to change me when I was 11. “You are a boy. You need to play with the boys. Otherwise you will turn sissy when you grow up.” Do these sound familiar to you? I tried, mum. They didn’t seem to welcome this chub nerd into their group. Hence I shied away.
“Am I different from the boys?” I wondered, at the tender age of 11.
Fast forward, I was 12 when I noticed his presence - the head of school prefects. Maybe he WAS godly in his youth, but I am sure he IS nowhere close to the grade A meat in the market. In actual fact he had more traits as a nerd than me. However I couldn’t deny that I once imagined him without a single thread. What’s in his shirt? What’s under his pants? Obsessed, my imagination ran wild.
“Can you show me your dick please?”
“Can I lay my lips on your soft cheek?”
“Can we go swimming one day?”
These did not materialise. I had no gut to meet him, let alone asking the favour from him. Surprisingly I didn't recall the tendency to check girls out. Then I knew something was amiss.
It was at this age when I realised I was different. I knew immediately this taboo should not be discussed. Considering the fact that I grew in a rather conservative family and society, I should be shocked to have thought differently. But I didn’t. I didn’t remember to cry in fear of being different. Perhaps I was in the early stage of acceptance without knowing what it meant exactly.
From there on, I explored the vast sea of uncertainties. As a matter of fact, I am still venturing.
Promiscuous J
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